Brad was just the end of his divorce, after have been married for over 25 years. It is not dated in what seemed like forever to him, and had no idea where to start. "How to start a new relationship?" He asked me in our sessions of counseling.

"What are you most concerned about?" I asked.

"Sex," he said.

"What about sex?" I asked.

Pause-. "Well-to-performance. What do I do if I could do? What should I do if I was too nervous to do?"

"Good. Let's start with sex."

In 35 years, I advise, I have found that people make the mistake of opening a new relationship sex too early. There are many reasons why people have sex too soon: they think that it would create a deeper intimacy, they are just in it for suppression, they fear rejection if they say no, they are physically addicted, they want sex. Yvonne Rest example.

Yvonne beautiful young woman in his mid-thirties who really want to get married and children. He has no trouble meeting men, but the relationship did not last. In fact, they rarely even get started.

The problem is that Yvonne often believes what you say to man in his early relationship. The last person to whom it is from a couple of months ago, came in really strong. She told him on the first date, how wonderful it was, how rare it has never met anyone like him. When it comes to sexually, she resisted, but in fact it is switched on and attracted to him. He politely told her: "I bet you're worried that if we have sex I will call you again." "Right," she said. "This is exactly what worries me." Well, he replied: "I'm not that person. You can not say that we really connected with each other? Not have such a great time in years! Of course, I want to see you again!" Yvonne agreed to agree that they have a great time. He put aside their internal warning signals and had sex with her. Of course, he never called her again.

The truth is, no matter how wonderful things seem on first or second day, it's not enough time to deeply care about someone. And sex without deep care can be physically satisfactory result, but it is flat emotionally and spiritually. It is almost always leave people feeling like something is missing. Without love and caring, easy to pass to another person, another conquest. It is easy to dismiss the meeting - because something is missing, it should not be the right person. But the two men do not give yourself to make sure they're right for each other. They jumped in the most physically intimate experience, before any emotional intimacy. They tried to take a close relationship through sex, but good sex is a result of proximity, rather than a cause. Without the love and care, the problem becomes too much to all the levers of any deficiencies or defects, the reasons for the move. Physical attraction is not enough to see people through the inevitable conflicts that arise in the primary relationship.

Deep concern comes through spending time coming together to complement each other. This is because of the month, laughing together, crying together, to find out that the depth of endearing about each other. It comes from the conflict and get through this understanding one another on deeper levels. It comes when two people, let everyone in on a soul level. You have to love someone soul before you want to go through the problems that arise in all respects. No depth of love, it's too easy to leave.

So, I told Brad, "Take your time. Do not jump into bed until you feel so safe with each other, that even the first time you make love do not get an erection ruin relationships. It may take several months or longer before you feel safe with someone. "

"This month, I have to wait months before having sex?"

"Brad, I do not know how long it takes for you to feel loved and loving, deep and safe care. It depends on how much time do you spend time with each other. It depends on how faithful to each other. This depends on how each deal with conflict. Of course, you do not feel safe until you have conflict and see how the two can handle it. What to do if you discover that your partner completely down or angry conflict ? Will you feel safe if you're worried about his reaction if you can not do? All this takes time. What is your rush? Do you want sex or a relationship you want?

"Well, I got it. I want relationships. Whew! I do feel some relief knowing that it's okay to take my time!"