In my counseling work, I often work with clients who have a deep fear of commitment. These people usually say they want to be in a loving relationship, but they continue to collect "the wrong people."

Susan, 38, sought my help because her two relationships simultaneously. It does not feel to it, so he knew what he had to make a choice. But she can not seem to decide which relations were for him.

Susan in a relationship with Shawn for two years. Sean, 43, was a delightful man, fun and sweet. However, Shawn would emotionally disappear for long periods of time, and he was clearly not himself want children - which is essential for Susan. Additionally, Shawn was always living on the edge financially.

Then Susan met Calvin, who was totally different than Shawn. Calvin stayed emotionally present, a job he loved and made very good money and want to have kids. Susan was very attracted by Calvin and his heart, he knows that he is a much better choice for her than Shawn. But she can not seem to let go of Shawn.

As we studied the situation, it became clear that Susan could not let go of Shawn because she is afraid of commitment. Since Sean has no chance to be in a committed relationship - he was not actually there. But Susan felt "safe" with Shawn. Security from what?

Susan discovered that she was terrified of being true love, which is a possibility with Calvin but not with Shawn. According to him, that love means to lose freedom. When he thought that with Calvin, he felt that he could not breathe. His concept of a loving relationship: "You're together all the time. I can not go and be with friends or take a vacation with a friend. Commitment means giving up freedom."

No wonder she felt safe with Shawn! While Susan felt he had to give myself to be in romantic relationships, he was able to commit themselves.

Douglas, 34, another client of mine is exactly the same problem. When he was in a relationship, it is a very "good person". He tends to try to please his partner because, in his opinion, taking care of yourself and do what he wants to do is selfish. But by giving himself up to his partner, he finds himself resenting her and ending relationships. Like Susan, he is working under the false belief that he had to abandon their personal freedom to be in romantic relationships.

Both Susan and Douglas have a major misconception that causes them to fear commitment: that loving another person means doing what people want, rather than staying true to yourself and to love and care about their own. They both have a false sense of self. They think they are selfish if they take care of themselves and not take care of their partners. I offered them this definition of selfish:

Selfish, when do you expect someone else to surrender to you - to do what they want to do, and instead do what you want to do. Selfish when you do not support others in making loving care of themselves and instead expect them to take care of you.

Giving yourself up is a means of control. You want to control how another person thinks about you do what they want to do. When you know what the other person wants to make love and care, without a goal, to get their approval, you feel fine. But when you give yourself up from fear to anger your partner or leave, you feel trapped and resentful. To be in a serious relationship, your first obligation must be yourself - your true integrity and freedom.

Learn to take loving care of yourself is key to healing fear of commitment. When you take loving care of yourself, you are filled with love and how much you love to share with your partner!