AMERICAN IN MOSCOW

Let us pretend, just for the fun of it, that you are a coal miner. Yes, a miner forty-niner, a hard working digger. And after a day of digging you want to hit the town, let loose, shake the dirt off, so to speak. But wait! There's a snag: the billfold is a bit short of the essential filthy lucre. You open the tattered rawhide and an embarrassing amount of rock, sand and other geological detritus falls to the ground, betraying your nefarious trade. But this isn't Bedrock, baby, and my name ain't Barney Rubble (I think a rap singer said that once, but I'm not sure). These days, the preferable method of exchange for proffered goods and services is m-o-n-e-y.

But you aren't gonna let tiny little technicalities like LIVING stop you from having a good time just because the foreman has bounced a couple checks. Heck no! Furthermore, you aren't going to wine and dine at some cheap democraticheski joint, right? Hey, you may be a niggardly digger but you have some self respect! That's right, you can't expect a guy who has spent his hole day (little miner pun) in a tunnel to dance and dine at some dank dive!? So sugar, tell me, how much money do YOU have?

Okay, here we go, for what it's worth. Robert's Essential Guide for Dating on the Cheap in Moscow:

1. Never forget that women will assume they are doing a huge favor by accompanying unworthy you on the town (quite often they are correct). Thus, to reward themselves for their charitable, tax-deductible generosity they never fail to order the most expensive dish on Le Menu. And don't even think about asking for a doggie-bag - this ain't Dayton, Ohio.

2. It is essential to ruin the woman's appetite before the waiter takes her order. Tell her a terribly tragic story over martinis; something involving heavy construction equipment and soft cuddly animals, for example.

3. Only date vegetarians. In addition to avoiding expensive red meat and sea stuff, vegetarians quite often skip rich dessert as well. In exceptional cases, they will be quite content to sip green tea and talk about themselves all night.

4. Be quite frank with your date and tell her that you are a male feminist. Calmly explain after the bill has arrived that you believe in advancing the rights of women by letting them pay for everything. In the morning, she will feel strangely liberated and you will have some extra rubles for a taxi.

5. Occasionally, The Moscow News receives letters from readers who have not yet joined modern civilization. For example, one misguided man from an obscure tribe in the Pongo-Pongo Nature Reserve in Western Africa suggested via telegraph that men kill two birds with one stone and practice... I can't bring myself to utter it! (For the curious, watch the 1989 film The Cook, The Thief, His Wife and Her Lover). Sir! My God, need I remind you that the MN is a pro-life paper, dedicated to the preservation of the species?

6. Invite a wealthy friend to join you for dinner. If he is rude and does not offer to pay for the meals and drinks, explain that you have forgotten your wallet, preferably while your date is powdering her nose in the toilet. Push your luck and ask for a ride home.

7. Ask your date if she has gained a little weight lately. Of course, this must be done in a very discreet manner. Blame it on her dress.

8. Only date rich heiresses. Unless they want to go dancing afterwards, this is a great way to acquire the daily recommended amount of sustenance.

9. Eat a big dinner at a fast-food joint before meeting your date. At the restaurant, tell her that you are following a strict, low-carb diet and exercising regularly, therefore you will just order a couple gin and tonics. This will make her terribly self-conscious and cause her to order rabbit portions. She will admire your self-control and tell her friends that you are serious and responsible.

10. Stay home with a video. Ask date to bring hot pizza and cold beer on the way.

Author: By Robert Bridge. The Moscow News